To satisfy my 'shopping cravings' and alleviate my 'lack of allowance/job status,' I go on duty at a small PRIVATE hospital near our place...

Hence, I see stark differences between the great big public hospital I trained in, and in the private hospitals, which I never really got to experience, except maybe as a 'patient' (through relatives and friends).

Even as a student, I have always KNOWN that a transfer from a private institution to a government hospital is usually close to IMPOSSIBLE. 'Almost' IMPOSSIBLE. A call to the ER officer, or the senior residents for a coordinated transfer? Forget it. Not unless the patient has relatives as employees, or the patient has the-powers-that-be as connections, or the patient was endorsed by a government official to the medical director. Private patients of in-house consultants are admissible too... But apart from all these mentioned, a TRANSFER from private to government is unheard of. Unless the patient presents himself, all in the toxic state that he is, and shows up at the ER's doorsteps. We'd give the patient a hard time, but they'd eventually get admitted... After everyone else in the ER has been triaged.

It is indeed a sad reality we all face. It is the healthcare system's problems at its very core.

We had an inpatient at our private hospital who came from far away Quezon. Not knowing anyone, and having their sole relatives in Rizal, the baby found its way to our little secondary hospital. The newborn had a very rare condition, that was readily treatable... with the adequate facilities and resources (meaning MONEY). Seeing as the treatment would surely cost a lot, the consultant had me transfer the patient to ANY government hospital. ANYWHERE. Any hospital that would accept them.

I know this would have been almost unthinkable. Usually, the best way we do it in the private world, is to remove all evidences of a consult, and have the patient go to any government hospital they choose on their own.

The baby's condition was fatal if not treated immediately. And I was deeply affected by the parents' stories, and their relatives as well, that we tried far and wide to call each thinkable institution available. With adequate resources of course. We needed a tertiary specialty hospital... because any other hospital will NOT admit the patient, since they wouldn't be able to provide adequate treatment. It took us a whole day to find a government hospital to accept them. And I couldn't have allowed the patient to leave our hospital to find a place on their own.

Miracles of all miracles, we found a half snobbish, half kind MD who I pleaded to hear my case out. She quizzed me for an hour on the phone - I felt that I was doing a clinical case presentation impromptu. And I felt that she was asking me questions I found irrelevant for the immediate situation at hand. I knew she made me feel that I was an inadequate doctor, and that our management was inadequate... And she made me feel that she knew SO much more than I did. The bottomline of an hour's inquisition? They WILL admit the patient... provided that the patient HAD the resources to spend. She literally asked me if I saw the CASH with my own eyes. And to think she told me to explain the situation in a kind and non-patronizing manner. (How could you ask someone to SHOW YOU THE MONEY without making them feel insulted?) She even threatened to SEND BACK the patient if they showed up there without as much as the shirt on their back.

Although I was 'relieved' by this KIND soul, I was deeply saddened by the realities of the medical world. Money will buy you the best treatment available. Despite the fact that money cannot buy you your health, it can help prolong it.

The situation allowed me to examine myself, and wish that I wouldn't become THAT kind of doctor. I wish we had the kind of healthcare where we could treat patients not based on the economics of it, but treat based on the best available modality (That's how it is in Australia, by the way). I hope I'll never find myself talking to a colleague, and make them feel the way I felt. When did healthcare become all business? And when did being in a training hospital make you a better doctor than someone from a small unknown hospital?

I have learned so much from my months of moonlighting. I have seen the realities of medical economics, and the art of medicine as a business. I have seen inadequate medical treatment, and treatment modalities that the patient did not actually need.

Lest I now sound so idealistic and judgmental, the situation deeply burdens me. It burdens me to become the best medical doctor I can be, and fulfill the Hippocratic Oath true to its word. It burdens me to become the doctor God wants me to be.

I'm guilty too...

I know I'm guilty.

I know I'm one of those (among a million) Filipinos who would like to work in another country. Call it a cliche. Call it THE bandwagon. But different people do it for different reasons.

I know that I took the MLE just like everyone else.

I know that currently, I'm planning to leave for Australia, to seek residency training there instead. Just like everyone else.

I know that although a good number of doctors (my batchmates) are starting their residency programs this year in the US, people have done so for their own personal reasons.

I am not leaving because I feel that the country is hopeless.

I am not leaving because I want to serve foreigners, or contribute to the taxes in first world.

I am not leaving because I want to live, to settle down, and to establish a family in a country OTHER than the Philippines.

I am not leaving because I feel that our residency training is inadequate, and that our medical know-how cannot compete with our first world counterparts.

I am not leaving just because everyone else is.

I have chosen to pursue residency elsewhere because despite what people think, my family will not be able to support my training financially if I stay here. I will not be able to afford to pay for my living expenses, even my day to day expenses if I train here.

I am leaving because I want to be independent, in all aspects. I have always lived a relatively 'sheltered' life, and I feel that I will be a 'better' person if I live somewhere else.

I am leaving because I want to be able to settle down, and start my own family, with my own money. If I stay, I will be financially dependent for the next few years, and THAT is out of the question.

I am leaving because I do not want to have regrets. I know that it's something I have to do for myself, while I'm still young and 'single' (meaning NOT married).

Honestly, I have always WISHED I didn't have to.

I wish I didn't have to leave my comfort zone.

I wish I didn't have to leave my family, my friends and everyone important to me.

I wish I didn't have to leave the comforts of the life I have been accustomed to.

I wish I didn't have to put my life in suspended animation - and adjust to another new life, where everything is unfamiliar.

I wish I didn't have to leave Stel behind. I know my plans have been placing our relationship on hold, because all plans for the future will depend on when and where I'll be a few years from now.

I really, really wish I could stay. Right here. Where everything is. Where I am comfortable.

In the depth of winter. I finally learned that within me, there lay an invincible summer...

i LOVE strawberries!!

We'll always have Baguio.

It may be the summer capital of the Philippines for everyone else.. but it will always be special to our family.

In this day and age of budding careers and financial situations for my family, our twice-a-year visits to the Country Club are things we hold dear.

It's way too expensive to travel abroad together, and it's also quite impossible to find the time to do so.

3day trips here are perfect.

We get to eat the favorite dishes we've loved through the years. They get to play golf. I get to sleep. I get to have my STRAWBERRIES... And the best pastries in this side of town. The weather is great. We're all relaxed. Hamachi is very cheap. The rooms are now WiFi.

Baguio holds special memories for me and Stel as well. This was where we had our first trip as a non-couple... and his first trip with my family.

I've been coming here as a kid. I bet I'll be coming here until I'm old and gray. :)

Happy 44th month Bpooh :)

It's been a great journey. And it just keeps getting better.

*Muah*

Cool. Calm. Relaxed.

I am now drowning in painkillers for that freaking dysmenorrhea. And I woke up with a smile on my face.

I hate that red fairy. VERY much.

I heart Tylenol. :)

I will settle down when...

1. I can fit into a size 12 (at least)

2. We can pay for our own wedding (at the very least)

3. And another thing, I'll keep to myself. Para naman may surprises. Heehee...

THE Joys of Writing

I love writing.

Medschool let me forget that.

But the time off (being a bum) did cause me to remember how much I've always wanted to share my thoughts.

I'm not much of a poet, as my sister is. I just LOVE to write. About anything and everything.

Thanks to the internet, I've rediscovered the joys of writing.

It doesn't matter who reads it, just as long as I am able to share a thought or two about things significant to me.

My mom always told us to write a journal. I never really was one to diligently keep one... but I write whenever I feel like venting. Mostly when I feel strong emotions - of rage, anger, love, and joy. I learned how to write well even as a child. I can write the best of letters which has never failed to touch the emotions of just about anyone I give them to.

Hence, the blog is the perfect venue for people like me. It's de-personalized. It's a bit anonymous. But it's out there for everyone to consume.

And it gives me the perfect freedom to talk about just about anything. And not fear judgement, or criticism, or censorship.

:)

Our HOME is finally WIRELESS!! :) Yahoo!!

GOD is faithful. GOD is good.

ALL the time.

THIS I have to remember.

Attending service was really encouraging. I haven't attended Sunday service the past weeks coz I'm usually on duty.

So today was uplifting. :)

AND I'm thankful.

All in a day's work

An eventful weekend indeed...

Two movies in two days. Dreamgirls with Mama and Gin, Because I Said So with Stel.

Medmission with classmates for our friend (and our very own) Doktora Doray Delarmente (talagang pang-kampanya!!). She's running for Councilor in the First District of QC. It was great seeing classmates I haven't seen in two years.

Birthday party and child dedication of our 'nephews' Elijah and Edan. Met with the Tanchi cousins..

QT with Stel. He's been really busy with work lately, that the only time we ever see each other are rush lunches in Cardinal. I sure miss him.

Post-birthday blowout of Ling, one of my dearest HS friends. And the amazing thing is, Len was able to join us.

Hmmm..... :)

***********

The iBook's battery is ready for pickup. And I've downloaded most of the mp4s I've been waiting for. I've figured out ALL the difficulties of installing and downloading. I LOVE it.

I just realized that the HD of this ibook is a mere 30g though. :(

Hey, beggars can't be choosers. It's still way better than any PC I've encountered.

Thanks. :)

A promising weekend..

It's mid-month today in Manila. It's Friday, and there's a midnight sale going on in almost all the major malls in the metropolis. There's a Cuenca Bazaar in Alabang. My favorite brands have come out with new stocks.

The weather out is hot.
I finally figured out how to properly install everything in this iBook.. :)

Some good movies are out. And I'm not on duty for the first time in weeks. Stel isn't either.

This proves to be a promising weekend ahead.

Although I'm reminded by the fact that I have zilch 'sweldo' to spend on the sales, I'm still looking forward to the next few days. :(

Grey's new episode is coming out too. And I can now finally download my mp4s and mp3s in peace.

Yey for me. :)

It's the hard disk!

Now they tell me that I can buy an external HD from elsewhere and they'll install everything for p1680??? When I went all the way to Makati to pick up my HP?

Aay naku. Stel says it's my pictures that are corrupted. I must have encountered some major virus that caused the whole thing to crash.

Oh well. Let's see. Oh yeah, Stel got himself a NEW Nokia 6300... slim and sleek. Great design (and I bet it'll be in my hands in 2-3 months hehe). Which means I'm getting another 'new' hand me down phone. His SE K800i.

Dang that Motorola V3i. Lasted us only a few months. And it now looks like it went through a storm and a war combined. Their razors are the worst! L6 is even way better.

My 'new' BABY

I'm trying my hand with this new 'baby' from Stel. (Thanks B!!) I reformatted the OS lastnight and tried to install new programs. I seem to be having problems with the newer version of YM, and Skype. And I seemed to have lost the Software Update function. Hehe. Stupid me.

I LOVE Mac. I love the interface and the graphics. I love the fact that it boots up REALLY fast. And I love that it won't have viruses.

For some reason, ebay seems to take a longer time to upload on Mac computers. Is it just me? Or that's really how it is here? :(

I'm still adjusting and finding my way through this.

BUT I still did LOSE everything from my HP. I lost years of files and documents (especially stuff that took me through medschool). I lose ALL my PICTURES for the past year. And all those mp4s. SAD.

BUT hey, there's always a silver lining after every 'storm.' The internet has been my life for the past year. You really can't blame me for feeling tragic about it.

Oh yeah, I lost a small amount of money yesterday. A reliable buyer of mine from ebay sent gcash to my OLD globe number. Which is on disconnection status. I can't imagine why Globe still accepts Gcash for numbers which don't even work anymore. Let's just charge that to experience. But still... :(

Anyways, the next few days are BUSY. Which is FUN for me. I'm preparing all my papers for the AMC exam too, whilst I await responses for the RMO positions which I applied for. I really want to work in Brisbane. Living with Tita Peena will save me a whole lot. I'm PRAYING.

I WANT...

Without a cause..

I really don't know why some people can be B*TCHES without a cause.

And they seem to find much joy in doing it too..

There's this stupid person pestering someone I love about some business arrangement that she could've taken elsewhere. There are so many choices out there so I cannot understand why she insists dealing with this person I love. I think that B*TCH is desperately seeking for a confirmation, which she never received from anyone else. This 30-something is crazy.

Power-tripping to the highest level. I wouldn't be surprised if she's a lonely nobody who just wishes to destroy the sanity of a complete stranger.

I cannot accept how unprofessional, and stupid she is. And it looks like she's really ENJOYING it.

i AM sleepy.

and that's new. hehe :)

i just came from a 24hour ER duty yesterday at the hospital i work in once a week. it was uneventful, relatively.

BUT there really is something great about what we do as doctors. there's never a day without an interesting story about a patient, or a relative, or a case, or a consultant, or a character you meet along the way. no two patients are alike. and that makes our life (and our practice) all the more worthwhile. it just reaffirms why i'm where i am right now, lest i forget. :)

Happy thoughts!!

I got an 8.5!!! :)

Here's what I can think of...

I miss.. I miss... I miss :)

Waiting...

i'm scared... :(

all this waiting is killing me.

Surprise!!

A little 'surprise' is making it's way here...

I'll finally be in my elements again.

I can't wait. :)

******

Oh.. and I'm glad this gal opened her shop for shipping..




cherrysodapops.multiply.com

Haven't taken decent pictures in awhile.
Stel and I have been so busy.. that dates have been all but rushed. It's quite a preview of how life will eventually be.

Honestly, I want to leave but I can't imagine our life apart. We get restless when we don't get to see each other in 3 days. I wonder how life will be when that time comes.

*****

Elections are around the corner. And I can hear people around me saying that they DO NOT vote because they DO NOT believe in the electoral process.

It's people like this that put the 'stupid' people into power. Coz they sign off their right to vote.

How do we expect smart and qualified officials when a lot of the learned and the educated professionals will not VOTE?

Just a thought...

i MISS my laptop. Now I can only go online at night...

They're having a hard time isolating the problem. Hopefully it's something recoverable.

******

I'm just tired. And sleepy. And dizzy.

I better go home and get some rest.

******

I can't believe that I've actually been moonlighting for a year. Better get my feet off the ground soon. Getting impatient again.. :(

I'm currently addicted to..

and the good news is...

THEY have my SIZE :)

I heart Ichigo and Butterflies...

I'm missing BORACAY.

Majorly.

BUT there really are so many things I have to prioritize right now.

Hopefully I'll be able to go back for another stint before I leave.

Sigh.