Walang basagan ng TRIP!

Having a doctor admit that he is competitive, is just like asking an addict to admit that he has an addiction.

It's innate. It's ingrained in our system.

It's what we were brought up to be ever since we were being 'groomed' to be doctors. As kids, we always HAD to be the BEST in class. The top student. The one with all the extracurricular activities. We've learned to be 'grade-conscious,' lest we will never ever admit it, BUT we always have been. We missed out on different childhood activities because we had our goals... and we had our dreams. We couldn't play because we just had to reread our notes one LAST time. We couldn't attend that party because we had a project to perfect.

And all these traits honed us as we grew up. The competitive spirit became so normal, and so attached to us, that it became unconscious.

We want to be the BEST, and have the BEST in everything. It would soon encompass all aspects of our lives. We knew we had to do well in highschool to get into a good university. We knew we had to excel in college (and finish with honors) to get into the College of Medicine. And once we were there, we had to compete to survive.

Medical students may not admit to being competitive... because it is difficult enough to finish EACH day, and hurdle each exam, each case presentation, to survive. BUT we all know that it is and will always be a competition. We compete to have the most high-yield/patok reviewers and sample exams, to have the nicest or the 'wisest' preceptor, the most favorable schedule, the most unique case, the most feared residents, and it's not just all about grades.

Now that we've passed the boards, we compete to be in the BEST residency programs, the BEST hospitals, the BEST countries. Life, as a doctor, is a LIFELONG competition.

I was talking to a fellow physician the other day about this online forum for MDs. It's funny that we shared the same sentiments. I noticed that people there easily discouraged each other, rather than encourage. They'd give their two cents worth, but make you feel bad in the end about deciding something out of the mainstream. They'd give their opinions on training options, yet always try to make their own decisions superior to the rest. I know that they all mean well, but reading through it all will DISCOURAGE you from taking risks. Rather than make people feel bad, I think it's better to just give the FACTS and speak from experience. People who usually give unsolicited advice, have not experienced things firsthand. More often than not, they talk about something that happened to a colleague, or a classmate, or just some random story they heard.

WE should just allow others to take their own risks, to try things on their own, and to follow their dreams. As the youngest Summa Cum Laude graduate from UP once said, we shouldn't take the road less travelled, we should PAVE the way. (something like that). We should take our own roads, and NOT just because it's the most popular, it's more secure, it's more sure. Since when was success handed to us in a silver platter?

To each his own. As my dear doctor friend always says, Walang basagan ng TRIP! Sour graping isn't cool at all.

Take me there...

10 days straight at home. That's a world record for me.

I think the last time that happened, I was still a baby... or below 1.

I never stay at home for more than a few days. I easily get restless. And there's just TOO many places to go to, people to see... My family will have every reason to go out almost every day.

Goes to show. I've been at home alone most of the time. My family members really can't stay home for long periods of time. NOT even a FULL day.

Yep, taong-bahay. It figures. I don't really pester our helpers that much. I've never been one to ask people to do stuff for me.

My new FAVORITE piece of gadget has got to be my TV. I used to spend hours on the net, and just like the sound of the TV on the background. Lately though, I've been spending hours on the TV, and less time online. I don't know, I just find that it strains my eyes. BUT I know I'm better, coz I've been blogging more.. and I've been surfing through other people's blogs MORE too. It's fun how you get a glimpse of people through their lives online.

Blogging has been SO cathartic. And I've learned to love writing again. THANK God for wifi and broadband. AND this iBOOK.

Thanks to all the TV shows who've kept me company. Cable channels, local channels, talkshows, movies, the news. Pinatulan ko na lahat.

Haven't READ much in awhile though. I don't know why. Books have become TOO expensive for my taste. SAYANG. :(

Oh well, I finally stepped out of the house last night. We attended my Uncle's 60th birthday surprise party... It was nice to see the family again.

But then, I still have to take it easy... I'll rest a month first before I go back to work... It's JUNE already. Stel and MY birthday month. Yey :)

(And that makes it TWO years after we graduated. AND I'm still right here.)

What defines us?

Are we what-we-do?

Do we have to be defined by what-we-do?

Small talk aside, we know that the first thing people usually ask is what-do-you-do? What's your job? What's your line of work?

Are we simply defined by our JOBS? by our professional leanings?

As doctors, people often ask us the most 'dreaded' question for any GP, or fresh graduate : What do you specialize in?

Ano ba? We live in such a specialty hospital based health care system, that doctors aren't even worth considering, unless they have all these 'specialties, subspecialties and diplomates' after their names.

And you wonder why doctors charge such UNREASONABLE professional fees? A specialist has trained for more than 10years at least. Imagine putting your life on hold for 10 years? And that's after University. By the time an MD is able to start his own clinic/practice, he'd be at least 30. And he's just starting at that point.

You also wonder why doctors leave the country? And how some become nurses instead? How will anyone be able to live a decent life, with less than 15k a month (as a resident)? If you work for a government hospital, lugi ka pa.

Doctors are people too. Lest people forget. They have their families to raise up, relatives who rely on them, their own lives to contend with, even the needs of their patients to think about.

The current view on doctors and healthcare workers in the country does NOT help us in any way. Especially with this new law about promissory notes, and the like. I wouldn't be surprised if you find even more hospitals closing down, in an already hospital/healthcare deficient country.

So, are we defined by what-we-do? Do we want to be?

It's SAD. I wouldn't want to be remembered as that accomplished, successful, multi-awarded DOCTOR. I'd still want to be remembered as a person who cared, a person who LOVED her family and friends, and a person who LIVED for GOD, and lived her life to the fullest.

That's what should define us.

My family used to take trips abroad together, a LOT.
But with the current financial situation (and everyone's schedules), the last time we left the country together, was in 2003. For Christmas in Canada.

So our upcoming trip to Hongkong is SPECIAL. The last time I was there was more than 5 years ago?

Any place is special. As long as you'll be with people you love.



:)

(That's why I have to be WELL enough by next week) *grins*

I must be manic-depressive?

I may sound melodramatic here.

But imagine yourself being cooped up in the house for more than a week. By FORCE of circumstance. NOT by choice.

Thank God I'm feeling better. But being stronger, and more frustrated and impatient, makes me crazier. I could tolerate it when I was weak... and I could barely stand straight for a long time. When I'd be sleepy and tired all the time.

AND it doesn't help that the ONE person I was counting on to take care of me, really COULDN'T.

I know I'm whining. I know I'm being selfish. I know I'm sounding so immature and childish.

BUT please, can't YOU be a bit MORE sensitive? PLEASE?

I don't even think you understand me. Coz YOU never will.

You'll know how bored I am from my posts the past days... plus my simple and inconsequential highlights for the day.

My highlight for today?



A Banana Java Chip Frappucino. Finally!
Haven't had coffee in three weeks. :)

And Kettle Chips.

Ang babaw ko??!!!

COUNTDOWN : 10th day at HOME.

Sigh.

My movie viewing has to wait till next week.

I feel like I'm in highschool, and I have to ask permission to go out. We were so desperate that when Stel came for dinner last night, he actually asked Papa if we could just watch a movie this weekend.

But he said NO. I still need two more days of just recovering and staying home.

Maybe I could go out at least ONCE next week.

I can't wait to see Capt. Jack Sparrow and his crew.

Oh yeah, I'm starting to have colds. Tama na please??!!!

Happy 3 years and 10 months baby :)
I miss you. Can't wait to see you later.
Damn house arrest... :p

They must think I'm crazy!!

I've been under house arrest for weeks now. And with our house being renovated, there are workers all around the house.

During the height of my illness, I'd usually end up crying due to pain, or the nausea, or the incessant headaches I get from all the hammering around. It didn't help that the red fairy showed up last week -- and I was having the worst cramps ever since I hit puberty. All the pain relievers in the world couldn't help. I'd just be found lying on bed, crying myself just to wait for the pain to go away. Maybe since my liver wasn't functioning well, the medicines weren't being metabolized sufficiently? I don't know.

So I think the workers would usually see my through my window cracks, crying, watching TV, staying in my room, lying in bed, in my pajamas. It was summer and I was a 27year old able woman! I'd take late baths, just go down to eat, and have no one to talk to, since I was all alone. (Jumpy's in high school, and he's in and out of the house all the time.)

Just this week, we're having the kids around the village in our yard for the Daily Vacation Bible School. And because I was sick, and I couldn't really help out, I wouldn't even show my face to them.

All these people have never heard me speak either.

Boy, they must think I'm crazy. :)

Spring cleaning?

It's been a long overdue task.

Cleaning up my closet, that is.

It's filled to the brim. And that's not counting ALL my shoes, slippers and bags, which won't ever fit inside.

And when I cleared it up, I realize that I've still got a closet full of clothes that I can use, and that fit me.

But how come each time I have to dress up, or pack for a trip, I always feel that I've got nothing to wear, and I end up with a few regular pieces all the time? :)

If only I knew how to fix up all my bags and shoes...

There's just NO way around it.

I'm getting better!

5 days under 'house arrest' has paid off...

Hmmm...

Now, how do I get through 2 more weeks of staying home?

This was us...

The first day we became official M.Ds...

It feels so LONG ago...

(Chang, Me, Aia, Betchay, Kath, Malen)

I miss you girls :(

Missing...

A typical day in the life of a 'sick' person

Okay. So it's a good thing I'm not down with something serious, or terminal... BUT recovery could take two more weeks, maybe more.

It makes me feel tired and dizzy ALL the time, that the computer can't even sustain my attention for long periods of time. I feel nauseous after an hour or so. Haven't been watching DVDs too... BUT I'm under house arrest for the next two weeks. So I'm establishing myself a foolproof routine. I wish it wasn't THIS hot though. And that they weren't constructing the house right now. The incessant 'pukpuk' makes me crazy.

What's my typical day like?

I get up at around 830 to 9am.
Have some breakfast while going online for a bit.
WATCH TV.
Have some lunch.
WATCH TV again. Till forever.
Take about an hour's nap.
Have dinner.
WATCH TV.

I've turned into a TV addict. I didn't used to watch so much TV.

With what I have, I also have to take high-carbs, plus a lot of sweets. Just when I learned NOT to have sweets as much. It's difficult when it's suddenly a REQUIREMENT. :(

I wish I'd recover faster. BUT I don't think it's possible. It's actually that bloated/nauseous feeling that I hate. Sigh.

******

I can't believe Melinda was voted off. It looks like Jordin will be the next American Idol then.. :)

So sick...

I've never been this weak in my life. And THIS sick.

I'm glad it's nothing serious or terminal.. BUT it will take time to recover. One or two more weeks maybe?

It sucks to be a patient. But I'm still glad I finally diagnosed myself.

Sigh. I'm forced to house arrest.. forced to rest.. forced to take a lot of carbohydrates and sugar..

Please pray for me.

I've been sick since last Friday. All my efforts to recover from this strange bug, has been in vain... coz no matter how hard I try to rest, I still can't get my taste and my appetite back. I'm still dizzy a lot... and my urine's this weird yellow color. First time in my life. I think I'm super dehydrated already, coz I hardly get thirsty.

I can't even stay on the computer for a long time. I can't stay on longer than an hour. So I'm REALLY sick. I'd rather stay in bed, and watch TV...

Sad. :(

************




Lolo passed away yesterday. Peacefully. After less than 5months of Lola's passing, Lolo did soon follow. We thought it would've been much longer. But he did live for 96years...

Lolo lived a long and full life. May he rest in peace.

We will miss you Lolo.

I actually received a permit to be able to take the AMC exam in July. Weird. That's after them even telling me OFF that I sent my documents after the deadline. Kainis. But then, I've got so much planned for May and June already... That I don't think I'll be ready by July.

There's really no use rushing things at this point. Coz I'll be taking an RMO position first. The AMC exam won't matter yet. And since we'll be spending so much money for it, I want to take it when I've adequately prepared for it. I'm praying for October.

***********
I assisted a 6 hour operation yesterday. And our patient who had about 4 stab wounds, will actually survive. He's quite lucky, seeing as it was his second bout with an exploration, after another stabbing incident in 2000. What are the odds of that happening twice? He must be quite a character.

I've forgotten how difficult it was to retract the abdominal wall, with my full weight pulling the retractors with all my might, my strength just couldn't do it. My arms were stiff and shaking like crazy. And I'm now feeling the fatigue.

It's a good thing I was only relieving for 12hours. I don't think I could've survived another 10hours in the hospital, with another upcoming appendectomy. Sigh.

I realized one thing though : I was never meant to be a SURGEON. Never was, never will be.

I shared a LOT of apprehensions and fears with Stel today.

It's funny how the future seems harder and scarier, the more we concretely talk about it.

Scary. :(

I'm even unable to write/articulate it fully, as I'm usually a prolific writer.

I can't even find the right words to say how I feel.

I am SCARED. Seriously.

I guess that just means I'm not ready to settle down.. NOT yet. NOT right now.. :(